A client said to me the other day,
“I know we’ve established loads of bad habits and made a rod for our own backs. We just wanted to get some sleep and didn’t know what else to do.”
I had to stop them and tell them what I always tell parents who are struggling with sleep.
There are no bad habits.
There are only things that are working for you right now and things that aren’t working any more. If bringing your baby into your bed so that you can all sleep is working for you and for them, then it’s not a bad habit. If rocking your baby to sleep helps everyone to have a calmer bedtime, and you’re happy doing it, then it’s not a bad habit. Neither is using a dummy, or having a sleep schedule, or going with the flow, or contact napping, or car napping or many of the myriad other things that parents worry about.
There are three questions you should ask yourself when you consider anything that you’re doing to support your baby’s sleep:
1. Is this safe?
2. Is this helping my baby to get more sleep and meeting their needs?
3. Is this also allowing me to sleep and meet my own needs?
If the answer to all three of those things is YES, then keep doing what you’re doing. However, if the answer to any of those questions is no, then it might be time to consider changing something.
The problem is that too often I talk to parents who can answer YES to questions 1 and 2, but have soldiered on with a NO to question 3 for months and months until they reach absolutely breaking point. In some cases that breaking point has even been something really dangerous, like a car accident, because they’re so exhausted that they’re not able to safely care for their baby in the way that they would like to. More commonly it’s that people notice that they’re getting ill a lot, they have no patience during the day, their relationships are suffering, and all of it links back to the fact that they are completely exhausted and run down.
The one thing that we’re really great at, as parents, is putting our baby’s needs first. But if there’s one bad habit that I’d like you to get rid of, it’s ignoring your own needs for too long. There is only so long that you can go without sufficient sleep yourself before it will start to have an impact on your health, your mood, your patience and your overall wellbeing.
The good thing is, there are plenty of supportive and gradual ways that can help you to start saying YES to question 3, while still answering YES to questions 1 and 2. It is possible to get more sleep, have more time for yourself and protect that amazing bond with your baby while providing for their needs.
Are you ready to break the habit?
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